For once, I wasn’t sitting in 14A.

I got the offer to upgrade to first class for the low-low price of $40. I thought, “Treat yo’self!” with a smug little flourish.

After a harried two days at a sales conference – schmoozing and somehow getting stuck with every single bar bill – I was ready for peace. And quiet. And possibly unconsciousness.

Sure, it was only a 45 minute flight, but it was 8 a.m. and Mama had gotten in at 1 a.m. I had a solo seat. No seatmate. No chaos. Just a lovely window, a tray table for my latte, and a hopeful nap plan.

I sighed. I settled in. I thought: “Finally. I’ll be out before we even taxi.“

Then…they boarded.

They sat directly across the aisle from me. One was a middle aged woman…hair perfectly coiffed, sleek navy pantsuit, power heels. She was absolutely rocking the look. But also: who chooses heels for air travel? That’s punishment I don’t need.

Trailing behind her was a college-aged girl, gripping her venti Starbucks like it was a designer clutch.

It was clear from the start that these two didn’t know each other. The older woman gave her a polite hello and made the mistake of engaging in conversation.
I’m pretty sure she regretted that decision immediately.

College Girl had that voice—high-pitched, nasally, and capable of cutting glass at 20 paces. Within two sentences, my eardrums were pleading for mercy. No problem, I thought, I’ll get out my earbuds and sleep mask. I’ll be fine.

Oh no.
Not one bit.

That voice shoved its way into every crevice of my personal space. It was like a soundwave assault. She did not stop talking. Not once. And the volume?
Cranked. To. 11.

Top 5 Things I Learned From Their Conversation (…because I had no choice.)

1. “OMG, I don’t know why I bother with Starbucks anymore. They ALWAYS mess up my order.”
   Sure. It’s their fault your grande iced oat milk brown sugar shaken espresso—with light ice, 2 extra shots, 1 pump vanilla, 1 pump sugar-free cinnamon dolce, sub brown sugar with honey blend, and almond milk cold foam—got dairy foam.
   This is the hill, apparently.
2. “My brother says I’m bougie, but like… I just CAN’T sit in economy. This face was made for first class.”
   Your voice was made for Geneva Convention violations. Uncle.
3. “I LOVE TikTok. My sorority sisters and I started a channel but we never get any views.”
   Can’t imagine why. Especially if your entire content strategy is volume.
4. “Can you believe they aren’t doing beverage service on this flight? Ugh, my skin is SO dry…”
   Girl. You brought a $9 foam drink. You’ll survive.
5. “OMG, like, I know I talk too much. I’m trying to tone it down…”
   And then she immediately launched into a story about her ex-boyfriend’s uncle’s foot surgery. With full vocal fry. For the remaining 20 minutes.

Let this be your reminder:
You can upgrade your seat.
You can book the solo spot.
You can sip the fancy drink.
But nothing—nothing—can protect you from humanity.

Out of Office. Extra Everything.
Snark. Snacks. Seat 14A.